Speech Day 2012 - Thoughts & Feelings

Howdy peeps! It's been a long long time (Almost 1 year) since I last posted! OMG!! :o My blog is as good as dead. T_T But it's okay. :D Anyway, the reason why I'm posting today is because of........... SPEECH DAY!!! That's right! :) It's finally my turn to step down! I've been tolerating it since Secondary 1 or 2. Everytime go band, so sian... I always can't wait to step down and I was super certain that once I step down, I would cry with joy. Like literally burst out laughing and celebrating. But no, I thought today was going to be one of the happiest day of my life but...

Frankly speaking, I suddenly feel a familiar sense of emptiness... This kind of weird feeling I have every year when seniors step down. I realised that, maybe deep inside me, a certain part of me didn't want to leave. But I guarantee, its only maybe around 5%. I know that one, I'm gonna miss my juniors. Like seriously, to the max. Even though always sian sian, but you know what they say, "You'll never know how much something or someone means to you until you lose it/them." That's what I'm experiencing now. But even having said that, I'm still very glad and elated that I can finally step down. I have completed this 'sacred job' and can finally hand it over to the next batch. It feels like a burden being lifted off my shoulders. Nevertheless, the thing about band I'm gonna miss most, is my juniors and the wonderful memories we had together.

Apart from that, the number two thing I'm gonna miss, is my seniors. The ending of band means that chances of seeing my seniors is lesser because they come back because of band only. I even wonder if I'm ever gonna have the chance to see them again. Because previously, I was in band so when they come back sometimes, I'm able to see them. However, now that I'm not in band anymore, most likely, even if they come back, I won't get to see them. :( This makes me super sad. Although for the past few years, I've always felt that the seniors were biased against me because they used to leave me out. I can always see a line drawn between us. Xinhui was always with the seniors, who gave her much attention, while I on the other hand, was always with my juniors (Peixuan they all) and I always felt that my seniors didn't like me. Sometimes, I wanted to cry. But I told myself not to. However, like I said, from the cards they wrote and the presents they gave, I could tell that they still cared for me. And plus, Cenli said something that made me extremely guilty. She pointed out that I never write card for Miaoyi and never give them anything. She said "At least buy us chocolates lah..." I suddenly feel like I'm being pushed down to hades. Guilt overwhelmed me. WHY DID I HAVE THE WRONG IDEA ABOUT MY SENIORS? WHY WAS I TREATING THEM SO BAD? I decided after the mid-years, I'm gonna write a late-card for Miaoyi. :( Sorry! I'm really gonna miss all of them very much. Cenli, Miaoyi, Shuling, even Cailing..... T_T

Thirdly, I'm really gonna miss all the good memories I had in band. Even though many of them were torturous to me, there were still some instances that were memorable. For example, the camp including the nightwalk, the times that Miaoyi, Peixuan and I played 3rd clarinet together, the slacking-time during Sec 1 and the laughters we all shared. These were truly memorable for me. The only things I hate about band is the time, the conductor, my duty as an assistant librarian and the sian-level and tireness-level. However, I suddenly feel that I don't really hate Mr Ng that much anymore. In fact, I think that I will miss him a little bit. Sometimes I look at him, I sympathise with him... He might look fierce on the outside, but maybe he doesn't mean it that way on the inside. Sometimes, seeing the way he speak to Kenny individually, I feel that he is actually just acting fierce to make us play. However, we took that with a pinch of salt and whenever he scolds us, we just hate him more. But after reading the Facebook message he left, complimenting us about the performance, I feel that he isn't so unreasonable and bad anymore. Instead, it makes me feel that he is somehow understanding and good... I don't know...

Well, lastly... I'm gonna miss the clarinet which had gone through thick and thin with me... I guess I'm gonna feel "finger-itchy" after awhile of not playing the clarinet. Still remember how bad I was at playing it when I was in Secondary One. Its not easy playing the clarinet. Now that I'm leaving it, I feel sad that in the future, I might not have a chance to touch it or even play it again... Love its sound... Gonna miss it... All the times playing with it and all the scores accompanying it... Its depressing... Now that I think of it, the clarinet was a beauty. Black, elegant body accompanied by silver plated buttons on it. Reminds me of a royal guard in a suit with silver buttons in front. Pretty little thing, I'll miss you. 
♥

Oh well, I shall stop here for now. Its late... Till next time then... Sayonara~